So instead of trying to write something imaginative, I'll tell a story that really happened, and how I lived it. I hope you'll still find it interesting.
There's a song, Dangerous by Within Temptation feat Howard Jones which is one of the most incredible songs and videos I've seen for quite some time, because I can completely identify myself in it.
It makes me remember standing on what could as well be the edge of the world. A rock overlooking the sea in Kamenjak, Croatia. Dean by my side, convincing me (and himself), to jump. At that point in time, we had already jumped from higher heights - as for example, myself in the picture. What changed? Well, at the point where we were standing, the water was much shallower, and nobody was jumping from there. To be fair, this still meant that the water was a bit less than 2m deep, which could be enough if the jump was executed properly. We are crazy, but not stupid.
From our point of view, the water underneath us was so far away, hiding under its welcoming surface some sharp rocks, waiting to collide with us. We could see our friends swimming in the water below, their preoccupied faces and worrying words showing it might not be the brightest idea. My heart was racing, with me imagining all the stories ever told about people who broke their bones by jumping into shallow water. Even killing themselves.
And I'm supposed to jump head-first into it?
"Sure," said Dean, "you are a swimmer, you know how to do this!"
Audentes fortuna iuvat.
If I remember correctly, I jokingly screamed "For Science!" and I was flying. Had the Dangerous song existed beforehand, I'm pretty sure that the following verses would flow through my mind:
"Nothing matters anyhow
It's like I'm floating on the ground
Into the hands, there I dive
With my life flashing by
Like the time is slowing down
When the world is out of sight
All the memories in my mind
Won't leave me behind"
It didn't last more than a few seconds really, but the feeling was incredible. I was frozen in time in midair, my brain asking "What have you done? There's no turning back from this. What if you really die?"
And then my hands touched the surface of the water, with my body paralyzed by fear. I darted downwards, piercing the water like an arrow. I made a technically good jump, and didn't hit the water too vertically. But opening my eyes, I could see the sea floor getting nearer and nearer. Again, seconds are what counted here. Suddenly my brain completely switched its operating mode. I'm in the water! Ha! Nothing can harm me in the sea. It's my element, my love since I could barely walk. I automatically adjusted my body like a fish, without extending any arms or legs. Bending my back just a little, and let the accumulated speed move me along the wanted direction. Parallel to the ground at first, steadily rising upwards little by little.
Looking down, I saw the sea floor only centimeters away from my body. Maybe 5? Maybe 10? I don't know, but it was so close I knew that if I extended my arms, moved my legs, or made any weird movements with my body out of fear, I'd have scratched the floor. And given the speed I had from the jump, it could have lead to some deep cuts or worse. I had to keep calm...
... but then again, when I was little, I emerged from the water with my whole backside completely scratched by a rock, blood flowing and my mother panicking. As for me, I didn't even realize I was hurt. I was smiling.
And then logically, so many years after, even when looking at what could potentially harm me - danger before my eyes, the sharp rocks below me - I was confident and I emerged victorious, with adrenalin over the roof, feeling incredibly ecstatic.
Dean followed in suite, being reassured by my well-being. He admitted afterwards, on an occasion when we both were drunk and had a surge of alcohol-induced honesty, that had anything happened to me, he'd have followed still, and helped me if I was in peril. I consider myself very lucky to know that I've got my back covered by friends, no matter what shitty situation I get myself into.
And I was scared. And I still am. There are things I'll do which terrorize me, yet strangely attract me. I love gymnastics for one, and I've fallen in ways that made people cringe and worry if I was all right.
"It's dangerous to sacrifice
It makes your blood run to throw the dice
It's dangerous, it's what you like
It's what you'll die for to live this life"
I'll get myself into trouble. My leg-bones are hurting like hell for the past two weeks, with friends, family and acquaintances telling me not to exaggerate, telling me to stay safe. And really, running for 11km and doing 2 hours of gymnastics on the same day perhaps is unwise. And yet, here I am, telling this tale, looking for my physical limits, searching for the edge of Earth, 'cause that's the only place I'll ever find that makes me hope.
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