5 differences to be aware of in Love and Relationships

Beginning of the week, resuming of the blog. I needed time off for the weekend to vent. Without further ado, let's begin...

Let's face it: most people have emotions and therefore fall in love, cry about it or rage, get over it or get doomed by it. Sometimes, people stay together without realizing they're destroying themselves and their kids. Because of love even wars have been started in the past. I think that it's time to openly talk about it.


I'm starting this off on the basis of a bold claim: that there is a difference between loving someone (irrational thinking) and a romantic relationship with someone (rational thinking). In fact, I believe, like Schopenhauer did , that love is something purely biological and it's our bodies telling us who we're biologically compatible with - whose genes will give us good offspring.

What this means, in other words is that in order to have an epic love story, you have to find (or be found by) someone who attracts you both biologically, as well as on a more rational level, to form a couple who's strengthening each other and giving positive effects to other people as well, rather than some destructive family tragedy.

I'll try to prove this by listing 5 things that a lot of people get confused about in romance & love.

(side note: after I'm done working on myself with the help of REBT, I plan on reading a CBT book about relationships. Perhaps then I'll revise what I wrote here).

5. Thinking

5.1 Love - propaganda driven surreal expectations

We get brainwashed by our favorite love stories as kids and during adolescence (perhaps even after?), forming certain ideas about what love is and what is not. How should two people behave and meet each other. There are of course some excellent, unpretentious movies and books that talk about the diversity of life and love. Yet sadly in most works love gets simplified, to the point of it being a complete waste of paper it's printed on, like those glittering sad excuses for vampires and teddy bears playing werewolves wannabe. It's not even worth mentioning the name of the book or author.

More to the point - love gets glorified and yet made incredibly dumb and completely unrealistic. And of course, most of us aren't prepared to face situations we have unrealistic expectations about. Now if someone is young, it's completely understandable that they experience it firsthand. Problem is, when this false pretense for love makes people do irrational decisions that have heavy consequences, like marrying or having kids too soon, or, on the other hand, resolving to a lifelong regretting and still not letting go. Because it gets harder and harder to admit to yourself that you're in a relationship with someone who your body tells you're compatible and the brain cannot accept it - even more so if the "teachings" of the aforementioned books get rooted deep inside into our way of thinking.

5.2 Romantic Relationship - can you even tell me what it would be for you?

When was the last time you read a book or watched a movie where they took enough time to develop characters properly and to actually see how a good romantic relationship works? When I talk about a romantic relationship I don't mean that there can't be a place for foolish actions - because of  the aspect of love as I discussed above. We are only human after all and as such we make mistakes and are irrational at times. What is, however, the key difference here, is that relationships require a lot of talking, honesty and sincerity. In order for that to work, first and foremost, you have to be honest with yourself and understand what person you are.

Let's consider now a case when a couple do manage to have an incredible romantic relationship. What happens next is that it's always talked about as "a great love story". Nobody talks about how that romantic relationship was a really successful one, because of reasons... And therefore, we can be easily lured into thinking we're living a fantastic love story purely based on biological attraction, perhaps topped off with some common interests. The more two people who love each other have in common, the harder it is to realize if they are really compatible deep down inside. For that to happen, you need time, different experiences to live through and talking. Lots and lots of talking.

4. Frequency

4.1 Love - We hear about it / see it all the time

Love is very frequently talked about in pop culture, art and even news stories. Did you know, however, that most philosophers avoid speaking about love altogether? It's a difficult subject to talk about properly and not be hated by people. It doesn't make sense that thinkers avoid this topic and common people throw themselves at it as if there was no tomorrow, don't you think? Everyone has, I think, their own idea or vision of their possible love story and as I mentioned in the previous point, it's likely an exaggerated version of the reality. Love is so omnipresent in our lives, that on many occasions (birthdays, new years, etc...) we wish each other good luck and lots of love!

Love everywhere and yet statistics being brutally clear: there's an alarming large rate of divorces and problematic families, as well as problematic individuals. Perhaps it's time that most people shut up on this subject, and that it gets properly handled by philosophers, neuroscientists and biologists (I'll briefly elaborate this further in point 3).

4.2 Romantic Relationship - Only experts talk about it

There are even counselors specialized in therapy sessions for couples or families - that's how well this topic is researched. And yet, as I mentioned before, nobody seems to attribute an awesome romantic relationship to what it is: lots of talking and understanding. Nobody talks about this.

In fact even couples, who are in an awesome romantic relationships probably won't speak about it unless questioned. And their well-being together would be seen outside as a sign of love.

3. Knowledge

3.1 Love - A lot of unexplored territory

Truth is, scientists have yet to give a definitive answer as to what love is exactly. There have been some studies showing that being in love actually has a physical effect on the body. Having said that, we still don't know exactly all the details and this is the reason why I, at least for the time being, completely agree with Schopenhauer. We love because that's what human's brain does to the animal instinct of finding the right mate.

3.2 Romantic Relationship - Should be perfectly known by now

Emphasis on should. While some people do understand this, most don't - because as in the second point, it's not discussed enough among general population. Most are unaware that they're blinding themselves in a doomed love story instead of a functional relationship. You know why I think so? Because if people were mature about this, if everyone knew themselves and what kind of person they'd be prepared to share their lives with, then inevitably we wouldn't have so many abuses at homes and problematic grownups who had a horrible childhood.

Think about it: with a newborn, all knowledge starts with the parents. And if these are not fit to be together, let alone be parents, then that's a serious problem. Especially if their son / daughter has the potential of becoming a powerful person.

Also some people get burned once and learn, while others prefer to keep burning and take it with philosophy (Aristotle:"My advice to you is to get married. If you marry well, you'll be happy. If not, you'll become a philosopher.").

2. The key difference

2.1 Love - Irrational

This point right here is to further underline how we shouldn't rely too much on love. It's beautiful to love and be loved, but it isn't the end of the world if a love story goes wrong. So far in my life I went by what could have been several love stories and I got hot headed too many times, ending up disappointed and depressed.


Love is something we can't control as it's influenced by biology and therefore it can happen as well as it cannot. Most people (depending on how emotional you are), will fall in love plenty of times during their lives and that's perfectly fine. We're not made to love an exact specific human being. I mean, how much would it suck if everyone had merely one soul-mate and that person died early on?

2.2 Romantic Relationship - Rational

Relationships are something that we can control. We decide who we hang up with (if they want to do the same of course) and who is better left unfriended. Same with Romantic Relationships - we can understand if another person would help in making us better or not.

Also, if you're already in a successful romantic relationship, then at every moment in time, you're perfectly able to tell why you're with someone, without resorting to "but-s" , "however-s" and other excuses. In the ideal scenario, you understand yourself and the other person and therefore, also the relationship between is second nature to you.

1. The Irony

1.1 Love - destroys relationships and (potential) romantic relationships

Because of the love's inherent irrational nature, people's over-idolization of love and too little understanding of themselves, romantic triangles and affairs pose, in my opinion, a big problem to the civilization as a whole.By now you've seen that all 5 of the points I write about here are connected. The only reason I emphasized one after another is to give them extra importance. Especially this last point, which is, most critical of them all.

How many friends have you lost because of the other sex? How many disputes, arguments and problems because of two friends liking the same person? In our society it's perfectly normal to "win a girl over" and that creates competition for no reason at all!! I never understood this idea that you'd have to "win" somebody - like a jackpot or something. Only when talking about love can you even consider talking about winning and inevitably, there will be some losers as well.

1.2 Romantic Relationship - Builds love and reinforces relationships

On the other hand, in a romantic relationship you don't "win" another. You choose each other and both are aware of the choice that they made.

And if two people are in a great romantic relationship, they reinforce each other, know how to properly convey good ideas to their kids and even connect to more people and help them out. In fact,  if a relationship is perfectly functional, than the pair in it will be happy in helping others as well instead of dealing with their own problems and spreading them onto others.




All of this to say one simple thing: please, be extremely careful in choosing a lifelong companion. That's a choice that can have an impact beyond your wildest imagination. Think. Talk. Make the choice a good one.